#365DayDraw / September

Heart

Awakening

Meteorological spring not only brought forth buds on the trees, but also an awakening in my soul. The epiphany I had while staring out the window at the neighborhood kids boarding the school bus was not the only revelation I’d had as the snow melted.

I joined a local running group, meeting some really great people who had come from all walks of life. I took up yoga, albeit alone at home, since I was a bit too self-conscious of my inability to get into most poses. I started to meditate daily, first for a few minutes, and then stretches of a half hour or more immediately after waking up. I cut out eating crap whenever I was stressed, opting instead for a handful of almonds or glass of water whenever my stomach grumbled between meals. Oh, and I started getting some body work. No, not botox or collagen injections; I made a commitment to get regular massages and acupuncture.

If you’re judging the changes in my routine as selfish, you’d be correct, but I’d say you’re using the wrong word. By taking care of myself first, I would be the healthiest and happiest I could be, and bring that light into the world around me. In addition to my yearning to be a mother, this focus on self-worth and self-care was revealing. I saw it as an avenue to overall happiness. No longer was my life on auto-pilot. I had flipped that switch, grabbed the yoke of the aircraft that was my life, and steered in the direction I wanted to go. This intention, I was sure, would propel me into what would be the happiest part of my life.

After a month of my new routine, I felt confident enough to join a smaller set of women from my running group in their weekly yoga class. It was here that fate smiled on me. We were enjoyed a post-yoga coffee when we started talking about men. I listened tentatively, not sure if I wanted to share. I found myself wanting to erase Chandler fully from my awareness, since he popped up at times like this. Then I noticed that the maternal instincts in me yearned to share with my new friends my desire to have a child. So, I did. They listened carefully to my story, from which I omitted little. I talked about wanting a child. I talked about not wanting to take another risk on a guy, not just yet. I talked about how these ideas were quite at odds with each other. And then the woman to my right, Alice, softly touched my forearm and suggested, “Have you thought about adopting a child?”

Adoption? No, I had not considered that.

“You see,” she continued, “I own a adoption agency.”

I bowed my head and closed my eyes, thinking about the turns I’d taken in my life. I saw my future laid out before me, and that future had a child in it. I glanced toward her, and I saw in her eyes that she saw my eyes, and what was behind the welling tears. We made a commitment to meet that very week, to get started with learning more about the process.

Yes, there has been an awakening in my soul. My heart, my very core, is alight with the fire of someone who knows where they’re going, and is very much at the helm.